Visualizing Faith-based Missile Defense

Visualizing Faith-based Missile Defense

Dateline: August 1, 2001 (originally on 3dgraphics.about.com)

President Bush's latest efforts to bring us a safer and more secure world meshes perfectly with his various "faith-based" initiatives. Virtually every respected scientific analyses of the proposed Missile Defense Initiative conclude that the system doesn't work. (For example the Union of Concerned Scientists) It seems that if we "believe" if we have "faith" that the systems will work, it will! Let's call the new system the Faith-based Initiative on Ballistic Systems (FIBS).

We Believe! We Believe! Physics is so annoying when it get's in the way, isn't it? Now that we know the only way to get those missiles to hit those incoming warheads, let's think about how to operationalize the system. One problem of course, since we can't mix religion and government is to figure out a way to have faith in the missiles and provide some actual guidance to correct silly things like velocity, azimuth and trajectories of the projectile.

One might be concerned about the issues, noted NY Times columnist Thomas Friedman writes that "We will deploy weapons that don't work against an enemy that doesn't exist, and we will withdraw forces that do work against an enemy that does exist."

Fear not, another fine Administration official is pointing the way. John Ashcroft, our beloved Attorney General, holds morning prayer meetings in his office. Yes, the meetings are in his official government office but it's apparently OK, and the meetings are non-denominational in nature. Egads! we can control the missiles in a similar way! Deep inside the Pentagon, at Central-FIBS-Control, also known as Faith-central, command and control can be reorganized into a new faithful triad of Jews, Christians and Muslims. Each denomination controls a separate dimension X, Y, and Z coordinates with a few Buddhists to determine the orientation of the projectile. This equal and non-denominational nature of control, makes the entire system completely constitutional!

The visualization system is equally efficient and equitable. Naturally a 3D globe of the earth will be used. Surrounding the earth, as large floating icons, will be a Star of David, a Cross, and a Crescent Moon for faithful dimensional control. Floating around will be a small Buddha indicating the current faith-based-orientation of the primary attack.

The defense system can be launched and controlled with special FIBS-control-prayers. A launch sequence might go something like: "Baruch attah adonoi, ignition", "Bless us father and jettison the first stage fuel cells", "Allah is the Greatest, deploy the decoy dectectors". Each of these faith-based-control-prayers can be recited in sequence or, God forbid, in an emergency, in parallel (of course depending on the size of the attack).

One can only imagine the spirited discussions that would take place in Central-FIBS-Control. The FIBS initiative meshes fabulously with the next "good news" initiative being considered by the Bush Administration. According to the Washington Post:

Bush is considering proposals to help provide e-mail services to link grandparents and grandchildren, add citizenship to the curriculum in schools, increase community use of the Internet, encourage news organizations to "increase reporting of good news," ...

Why of course, the 100 billion dollars needed for the FIBS system is good news and all the grandparents will get their email notification!

A Day in the Life of the Department of Homeland Security

• 07:00 AM
  

  Secretary Tom Ridge pulls up to the office, sweating after a morning run with POTUS (Secret Service talk for the President Of The United States).
  

  
  
• 07:30 AM
  

  FBI Director Robert Muller arrives hand in hand with CIA Director George Tenet emphasizing to the troops how well they are communicating. They've bonded recently as they both enjoy playing practical jokes. Ridge who is currently showering to get ready for a busy day is secretly being taped by a array of new surveillance technologies being broadcast internally. The pranksters are known affectionately as Bobby and Georgy.
  

  
  
• 08:00 AM
  

  Still unaware of the morning broadcast Secretary Ridge convenes the Supreme Policy Yanks (SPYs) to review the previous day's data gathering. The staff is gathered around a large conference table each with their own large flat panel display computer just purchased (they have WAY more money then they know how to spend) and obviously the "War on Terrorism" requires the finest technology. The Deputy Secretary interrupts an intense game of solitaire as the Directors and Secretary Ridge walk in. Bobby gives Georgy the signal and a small 2 inch square video of the Secretary's shower is displayed on everyones (except Ridge's) display screen. ... The entire staff perks up.
  

  
  
• 08:30 AM
  

  "Alright I want some frank opinions on three of our new initiatives, the 'Citizen Corps', establishment of the 'Under Secretary for Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear Countermeasures', and relocation of the 'Plum Island Animal Disease Center'," stated Ridge.
  
  

  "First of all who came up with that totally dumb ass Under Secretary for blah blah blah blah name??" asked Bobby. Ridge shoots Bobby a cold stare and exclaims, "This is serious, now get on the dime!"
  
  

  "Ahem....ahem," noised Georgy. "What do you want?" Ridge asked.
  
  

  "Well we can't really make any substantial decisions today because we need Dick's input."
  

  Listen Ridge said, "Cheney's socked away at Cheyenne Mountain, shhhhh that's secret by the way, and he's scarfing down Martini's. We can get him anytime we need on the telecon."
  

  
  
• 09:00 AM
  

  "Let's get things moving I have a meeting over at the George Bush Center for Intelligence in about an hour," Ridge declared. Bobby leans over to Georgy and whispers, "is that the most ridiculous name you've ever heard for a building or what?"
  

  
  "OK first things first, we need a slogan and mission statement, you know the vision thing. Look at the other agencies the NSA has 'Providing and Protecting Vital Information Through Cryptology' the CIA has
  'To be the keystone of a US Intelligence Community that is pre-eminent in the world, known for both the high quality of our work and the excellence of our people.' The FBI's mission statement is 'The mission of the FBI is to uphold the law through the investigation of violations of federal criminal law; to protect the United States from foreign intelligence and terrorist activities; to provide leadership and law enforcement assistance to federal, state, local, and international agencies; and to perform these responsibilities in a manner that is responsive to the needs of the public and is faithful to the Constitution of the United States.'"
  

  
  Ridge takes a deep breath and continues,
  "Well obviously the FBI is way too long winded, but we all knew that of course. The CIA is going to have to change their mission cause WE are going to be the center of the universe when it comes to the intelligence community. The NSA is just a bunch of geeks with all that cryptography stuff anyway, people can't get inspired or relate to that anyway. So anyone got any ideas?"
  

  
  "How's about 'We're watching everyone, so you don't have to." piped up Georgy. "Hey that has a nice ring to it, let's run with it for now." said Ridge.
  
  

• 10:00 AM
  

  "George, you're coming with me to the Bush Center, you DO have the best office there." said Ridge. "Do we get to go in a motocade? They are sooooo much fun," George said excitedly. "Yeah yeah" grunted Ridge.
  
  

  Ridge and Tenet climbed into the limo and the sirens started up as they sped to Virginia and the Bush Center. "Hey driver can you circle around the Old Post Office building? It's so cool to block up a few city blocks and look at all the gasping faces," said George. "Hey George, yanno if we open the windows and stick our heads out I bet the new hi-res security cameras could get a good pic of us. Is that cool or what!"
  
  

• 10:30 AM
  

  Directors Ridge and Tenet arrive at the Bush Center, greeted by the usual moss. "Moss" is the term used by beauracrats to refer to the underlings that stick to those in power.
  
  
  

• 11:30AM
  

  Ridge yells, "OK gang you know that Bush 43 wants us to work out everyday. Let's hit the gym!"
  Georgy, Bobby and Tom change back into their sweats for the mid-day workout. Georgy and Bobby glance and give each other a wink as it's time for their next prank.
  
  

  Several days ago George and Bobby planned that the next time they were all together in the gym they would play with the new infrared cameras. Infrared cameras if adjusted just right can actually see through clothes!
  
  

  
  
  

• 12:30PM
  

  After the workout they had all worked up a good appetite.
  
  

  
  

• 1:00 PM
  

  "Those Martini's really got me going," said Tom. "I've got a great idea, I've been mulling around for a few days."
  

  "Do tell," piped up Bobby.
  

  "Well let's get the public involved in the fight. Let's get the mailmen and cable installers across the country to keep an eye and report on suspicious characters! It'd be like a new free volunteer army! I just get so excited thinking about the possibilities!"
  

  "Totally awsome!" exclaimed Georgy. "All these people could call in tips."
  

  "That's it, we'll call it Operation TIPS! Good thinking George."
  
  

• 2:00 PM
  

  Bobby discretely turns to Georgy and whispers, "Can you imagine the stunts we can pull with TIPS!"
  
  

  Georgy almost explodes at the excitement. "Hey doesn't Tommy have that old ex-girl friend, Jillian? Wouldn't it be fun to ressurect their relationship with a little TIP."
  

  "I bet Tommy's wife would go nuts!" Bobby yelped.
  
  

  "Ahh so many jokes, so little time. There's nothing like a new federal program to get those funny bones going."
  
  

• 3:00 PM
  

  "Alright gang, I have an early dinner home for a change, so let's finish the alert color scheme scenarios," ordered Tom
  
  

  "I thought the colors were all set?" queried Director Tenet.
  
  

  "We've had a big problem with the public relations of it all. A new poll says that most people are just confused. Right now we have five levels of threat, low, guarded, elevated, high and severe. The corresponding colors are green, blue, yellow, orange and red. I think it's damn clear. Stupid public opinion." lectured Tom.
  
  

  "Well we've never changed the threat level, so maybe it doesn't matter," said George.
  
  

  "Hmmm...that is a good point. I doubt we'll ever change the damn thing unless we get attacked, then we'll just say RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, and it won't matter anyway."
  
  

  George replyed, "thar ya go, problem solved".
  
  

  "OK George you get a gold star for the day. I'm outta here. Boys I want you to jog another five miles, the Bushmeister is killing us with his running and we can't let him hog all the fitness glory. See you tomorrow, bight and early, we've got to get the TIPS program up and running quickly."
  
  

  Bobby remarked, "G'nite Tom, and hey I just got a note from your old friend Jillian, she didn't sound happy."
  
  

  "Very strange?" wondered Tommy