Satire Shmatire

Al Gore Wins Nobel Moves to Antarctic

2007-10-15T20:22:00.000-04:00

Al Gore winner of the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize has announced that he is moving to the Antarctic. He states "it's melting dammit and I want to ride that Larsen ice shelf back to Tennessee". The Larsen ice shelf is collapsing at much faster then predicted rates. Have a happy Blog Action Day!

You Can't (Not) Make this Stuff Up

2007-10-11T20:35:00.000-04:00

Kids of any age can now get married in the great state of Arkansas. As reported by CNN a law intended to forbid kids younger then 18 from getting married was written in a syntactically challenged manner. Apparently an extra "not" was inserted thus changing the meaning of the law so that kids of any age can get married, although still requiring parental consent.

Psssst Here's the Tape But Don't Tell Anyone

2007-10-09T14:35:00.000-04:00

OK someone manages to ferret out a video tape for a not quite released Bin Laden appearance. That someone does a favor to the Bushy administration and gives them a heads up undercondition of KEEP THIS SECRET. What to do? Broadcast the info to every intelligence agency possible, thus compromising the source! Unbelievable, no just the usual day-to-day operation of your friends in the current (countdown 460ish days left) administration.

Senator Larry Craig: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

2007-10-08T13:09:00.000-04:00

That's right boys and girls CNN reports that Senator Larry (toe tapper) Craig has just been selected for induction into the Idaho Hall of Fame. Can you imagine the exhibit possibilities!

Of course there would be the obligatory full scale replica of the Minneapolis airport bathroom stall, but I say hey why stop with an old fashioned static exhibit. How about making it truly interactive, you know get the kids involved. Install replica's of both stalls and have little Johnny act the role of police officer. What better way to give the kids an appreciation of the difficult job law enforcement must endure. For the particularly adventurous kids they can play the role of Senator Craig himself by matching their foot positions with the interactive foot tapping and wide stance simulator built right into the floor. What a great way to teach the kids how to be safe in public restrooms I can't wait for the induction ceremony!

We Care About Our Vets (wink wink)

2007-10-06T23:02:00.000-04:00

A New York Times Editorial "Slogging on the Home Front" details that veterans, seven months from the uproar about lax care which initiated promises promises to fix the problem by the Administration are still absurd. Let's see now so we ship these kids off to war. They get wounded. They come back and have to spend...oh half a year on average getting a decision on their disability status. Seems reasonable no?

Oh and remember that during that half year they just might be struggling to get their bodies and lives back together. Not to mention that traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post traumatic stress are turning out to be the "signature disabilities" of the war. While in that state it's good for all the vets and their families to learn how to deal with bureaucracy...ayeee.

The Secret Life of Dick Cheney

2007-10-05T21:04:00.000-04:00

Dick Cheney claims that he is not part of the executive branch and he's not part of the legislative branch. At least he's not claiming to be part of the Supreme Court (for now). So why should we care? Well there's this pesky law administered by Archives of the government called "The Presidential Records Act (PRA) of 1978"

In the introductory explanation of the Act the web site states:

The Presidential Records Act (PRA) of 1978, 44 U.S.C. ß2201-2207, governs the official records of Presidents and Vice Presidents created or received after January 20, 1981. The PRA changed the legal ownership of the official records of the President from private to public, and established a new statutory structure under which Presidents must manage their records.

And to be even clearer in a listing of specifics "Requires that Vice-Presidential records are to be treated in the same way as Presidential records."

Veep Cheney claims that he's not completely part of the Executive Branch in order to avoid any Congressional oversight and avoid turning over any documents he considers "secret", which is basically everything. Examining House member Henry Waxman's Oversight and Government Reform web page we see thread of letter from Waxman to Cheney to the National Archives to the Attorney General, it's a thrill to see government at work.

One highlight is Waxman's "Fact Sheet" titled "The Vice President's Efforts to Avoid Oversight and Accountability" in which he lists: Exepmting the Office of the Vice President from the Executive Order on Classified National Security Information; Blocking GAO Oversight; Concealing Privately-Funded Travel; Withholding Information about Vice Presidential Staff; Concealing Inforamtion about Visitors to the Vice President's Residence; Allowing Former Vice Presidents to Assert Privelege Over Documents.

Cheney is simply brilliant! There's a law stating that the President's records must be made public. The President's office being the Executive Branch leads to the obvious conclusion that to avoid compliance simply declare that you are NOT part of the Executive Branch. To top it all off Cheney proposed to eliminate the specific office at the Archives responsible for administering the Presidential Records Act. Genius!!

Where Oh Where is Cheny

2007-10-05T20:36:00.001-04:00

A wonderful little column by Al Kamen in the Washington Post elucidates the now he's there not he's not qualities of our dear VP. Kamen points out that the Veep's office is hostile to the media and for the month of August:

His daily schedule most often says "no public events are scheduled." From May through September, for example, the Federal News Service Daybook listed about a dozen notices of his whereabouts. For August, the Reuters Daybook had him simply in Wyoming but noted that he would be at the dedication of the "Craig Thomas Discovery and Visitor Center at Grand Teton National Park."

More interestingly Cheney's claim that he is not part of the executive nor legislative branches of government, therefore not subject to document preservation laws raises the distinct possibility that Cheney is the first sitting quantum human. This Quantum VP much like the quantum neither here nor there states of subatomic particles deserves further attention and will be examined in detail in a blog near (or is it far) you. Note that the topic has already been touched upon in "This Modern World" by Tom Tomorrow.

It All Depends on your Definition of Torture

2007-10-04T19:06:00.000-04:00

"We don't torture" ... this quote from President Bush on a number of occasions is now under question. Surprise!
A just revealed secret legal opinion in 2005 by Alberto (he's my boy) Gonzales says that "a combination of painful physical and psychological tactics, including head-slapping, simulated drowning and frigid temperatures" are all okie dokey.

Oh and according to military people experienced in these situation torture just doesn't work. Of course some people still think there are WMD's in Iraq.

Dear Senator Craig

2007-10-04T17:11:00.000-04:00

You might consider putting metal cleats on the bottom of your shoes, much like tap dancing shoes. That way as you tap your way in bathroom stalls you can more clearly communicate your intent via Morse Code. Of course not many people will actually understand the code however the waiting police are more likely then the average Joe. If your stall neighbor is confused by your tapping you can always resort to rubbing your hand underneath the partition.

Of course these well laid plans may be thwarted by alert airport staff. The stalls in question have apparently become tourist destinations with throngs of people taking photographs. The stalls are, sigh, being remodelled .

Good luck in all your future tap dancing.

DeLay Gate Continues

2005-11-21T19:07:00.000-05:00

Michael Scanlon former partner to Abramoff the lobbyist pal to Tom DeLay plead guilty today. He cut a deal to spill his guts and testify against Abramoff...where oh where will the charges stop. Stay tuned for more exciting indictments and plea bargains, at a court house near you!

Yes, I'm Bush I Am

2005-11-17T20:30:00.000-05:00

The Trade Center fell and we were so sad
Sadam must have been there, ooh I'm so mad
Let's tell the folks he's got WMD!
Just kidding, but it's too late golly gee

Shock and Awe look so purty
The war's so much fun not dirty
Can't pull out to early
Dicky says I'm your daddy

Freedom and democracy are so fine
But it's for the oil so divine
Sadam is gone, hip hip hurray!
Mission Accomplished quickly today

More then 2000 counted so far
Thought we were done, fillup that car
The war on terror sounds so good
But people aren't buying sounds like deadwood

I'm Bush I Am
All the world's a stage
Off to the treadmill
Then back to Bushville

Kansas Redefines Science, Life is Intelligent Now!

2005-11-15T20:48:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to think that all these intelligent Design people have things right. It's going to make life much easier.

According to a NY Times article the good people of Kansas have redefined "science":

The changes in the official state definition are subtle and lawyerly, and involve mainly the removal of two words: "natural explanations." But they are a red flag to scientists, who say the changes obliterate the distinction between the natural and the supernatural that goes back to Galileo and the foundations of science.

Well, Galileo died condemned of heresy, maybe Kansas should bring back that practice as well!

Instead of explaining "natural" phenomenon, we get to explain unnatural phenomenon.

Let's see my car didn't start the other day, clearly an unnatural act most likely caused by aliens as I had just had the car tuned!
I can't lose those extra 20 lbs. Obviously I'm using all my intelligence in that endeavors, to know avail. There must be some extra special intelligence working to foil my every attempt. The damn TIVO didn't record last night's "Daily Show," now that's an unnatural act if ever there was one!

I'm so tired of trying to find logical explanations to life's problems, let's all just get intelligent!

It's the Intelligent Voter

2005-11-14T21:05:00.000-05:00

It's amazing but the voters of Dover PA voted out all 8 members of the school board who were pushing to teach Intelligent Design in science class. Somehow I'm always amazed when "reason" takes hold. Oops I spoke too soon, shortly after the vote trust Pat Robertson was on the job! Declaring that disaster might strike because the town "voted God out of your city".

Ya gotta admire the man for his salemanship, how else can he keep his coffers full. The only annoying thing is why the hell does he get to keep his tax exempt status?

President Bongo Comes to Washington

2005-11-10T22:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes events sound so ridiculous it seems like the news is writing scripts for comedy shows all by itself. According to a Nov. 9 article in the nations, Jack Abramoff (you remember him DeLay's buddy) was supposedly seeking $9 million to arrange a meeting between the President of a West African nation and President Bush. The West African gentleman is President Bongo (yeah really!). Of course everyone involved denys any money actually changed hands for the meeting and nothing improper, blah blah blah occurred.

Apparently the big Bongo meets Bush meeting occurred on May 26, 2004.

Vatican Supports Evolution

2005-11-08T17:19:00.000-05:00

Totally amazing...the Vatican issued a statement supporting the theory of evolution. Apparently there is intelligence in Rome and none in Kansas.

Darth Cheney Treads on Torture

2005-11-07T20:51:00.000-05:00

The continuing embarrassment of Detainee limbo is being pushed primarily by Darth Cheney.

In what is clearly one of the most despicable policies of this administration the torture of detainees and their exile to mysterious CIA "black" sites is one of the most dangerous practices for the people of the US. Senator McCain, one of the only Senators to actually have endured torture is leading the way to restrict these practices. The Israelis, a people that has been the subject of terrorist attacks for their entire existence have outlawed torture! It doesn't work...period. No one is saying we should be serving coffee and crumpets to the terrorists.

If we continue these policies then we become the enemy.

Ahhh Now We Can Talk Ethics

2005-11-05T21:10:00.000-05:00

So the Bush administration has been having a few problems lately. We have the Libby indictment, the dealings with shady characters all tied up with DeLay, and so on. The solution is easy. Make the staff take an ethics course!

I wonder if Bush himself has to take the course?

Evolution, Intelligent Design & Astrology

2005-10-24T17:47:00.000-04:00

Hey kids tired of boring science classes? Stumped by rational thinking? Have I got a theory for you!

It's called Intelligent Design (ID rhymes with idiot) and it's the new rage! Proponents of ID note that it's just
as valid as astrology...jeepers all the memorizing of those zodiac names like Sagittarius or Gemini and those things will finally pay off in a real live science class! Well maybe, it depends on how that pesky court case goes.

And don't forget to make your travel plans now for the Creation Museum in beautiful Petersburg Kentucky! It's going to have animatronic dinasaurs that we all know existed at the same time as humans only 5 or 6 thousand years ago....golly do ya think they will find some dinasaurs with leashes. "Honey I have to go out and walk the T-Rex!"

Hmmm do you think they had pooper-scooper laws back then?

American Girl Dolls - Boycott?

2005-10-17T18:58:00.000-04:00

Those wacky Christian Conservatives are at it again. The American Family Association is seriously considering promoting a boycott of the popular American Girl dolls. It's obvious from a cursory glance at the American Girl website that their link to the American Red Cross encouraging donations for hurricane relief make this a highly subversive organization deserving of the scorn of all "true" Americans.

Apparently Girls Inc. supports a woman's right to choose, i.e. a law.

(Sigh...)

The AFA says that American Girl is donating to another highly subversive organization called Girls Inc. The Girls Inc. Web site prominently points out that they:

In addition, since 1992 Girls Inc. has provided over $1.8 million in college scholarships to girls who have become leaders in all walks of life and has played a crucial role in advancing girls' rights through supporting legislation such as Title IX and the Violence Against Women Act.

Clearly these are horrible actions deserving of a boycott.

The AFA claims:

AFA does not support "censorship." Censorship, by definition is government imposed. What AFA does support is responsibility. Producers and advertisers alike realize that what people see and hear does affect them. (If this were not true, they would not pay the astronomical fees for advertising.) Our belief is that if we can encourage advertisers to sponsor only quality programming, then networks and producers will not have the financial encouragement to produce shows diametrically opposed to the traditional family.

In other words they aren't the government so by definition they can't censor anything but golly they wish they could.

It's always a pleasure to see YAHTT (Yet Another Holier Then Thou) organization getting busy!

Watch Those Leaky Condoms Karl

2005-10-15T17:22:00.000-04:00

Ya gotta hand it to the latest group of protesters pointing out poor Karl Rove's problems. A collection of 3 condoms could be seens marching in from of the Washington DC Disctric Court where Karl was, for the 4th time, testifying before the grand jury investigating the leak of a CIA agent's identity.

Pehaps if things don't work out for Karl he can endorse Condoms..."They don't leak...Karl swears!"

Arrogance, Corruption, & Incompetence...Oh My!

2005-10-01T20:27:00.000-04:00

Things are not looking pretty for the Bush administration and the Republicans in general. Let's see where to begin there's just so much news! The War (you know the one in Iraq) continues to be a disaster, the body count is almost at 2000, the Iraqi Army is not doing well taking over, and the impending elections are just a big question mark.

In general the war seems to have been run like disaster preparedness at home. Speaking of home, there not much more to say about the joke of a response to Katrina, the incompetence of FEMA, Brownie and the entire Homeland Security apparatus.

Last but not least we have the troika or the leak of a CIA operative by someone close to Rove or Rove himself or in that ballpark; the investigation of Bill Frist for that oh so convenient timing of stock sales, from a blind trust - good trick! and finally the indictment of Tom (the Hammering one) DeLay, and he was such a kind fellow.

How's that saying go, power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely..?

First Screw Up, Then Get Paid to Tell How You Screwed Up

2005-09-27T17:47:00.000-04:00

Hard to believe but according to the article Brown serving as consultant to FEMA on CNN's web site Brownie has himself a nice little gig. Now I completely understand the utility of having Brown tell the powers that be all he knows about the response to Katrina. I believe that would be called testifying under oath!

Clearly the next step is the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

How many more Michael Browns?

2005-09-26T17:08:00.000-04:00

A new Time Magazine article investigates the placement of political cronies at all levels of the government. It's nothing new and all administrations, since the days of George Washington have pursued this approach. The Bush administration however has taken the practice to new levels and made it an art form. Indeed the article points out that they aren't apologetic for the practice they just "want government to work".

In the Time article:

Internal e-mail messages obtained by TIME show that scientists' drug-safety decisions at the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) are being second-guessed by a 33-year-old doctor turned stock picker. At the Office of Management and Budget, an ex-lobbyist with minimal purchasing experience oversaw $300 billion in spending, until his arrest last week. At the Department of Homeland Security, an agency the Administration initially resisted, a well-connected White House aide with minimal experience is poised to take over what many consider the single most crucial post in ensuring that terrorists do not enter the country again. And who is acting as watchdog at every federal agency? A corps of inspectors general who may be increasingly chosen more for their political credentials than their investigative ones.

Interestingly a just published study from Princeton University reported in Federal Computer Week, reports that career employees make better managers then political appointees.

Well, it is only Princeton.

OK Kids, Let's Play Mitigation

2005-09-25T20:11:00.000-04:00

Browsing through the fascinating FEMA site for kids I tripped upon the Photo's and Video link (from the Search button). It actually doesn't link to a Photo's and Video page but to a Library page.

On the library page is a list called "photo library" and the first link is titled "Mitigation Photos". Keep in mind this is a site for CHILDREN, how many kids do you know that understand the word "mitigation"??? OK so I clicked on the link hoping that it would at least explain the word but nope...they just go on to display some photos of mitigation.

Sigh

Intelligent Design for Homeland Security

2005-09-24T23:25:00.000-04:00

I don't understand what everyone is complaining about. The Department of Homeland Security now contains FEMA. FEMA during the Clinton years was finally reconstituted as an effective organization. A government agency, efficient! accomplishing its mission! ...we can't have this.

Enter stage right...the DHS(Department of Homeland Security). What's all the fuss over the new organization of DHS. It's obviously very complex. Mere mortals can't possibly understand it. FEMA now reports to the director of the DHS, its budget has been emasculated and all the responsible people in charge are political hacks. The only reasonable conclusion is that it must be a product of "Intelligent Design".

The Republican Nightmare

2005-09-18T21:02:00.000-04:00

It appears that the Republican's greatest fear is coming true, they are being forced to deal with "poor people". As usual this brilliant observation comes thanks to Jon Stewart of the Daily Show where we now turn for "real" news. Bush's heartfelt speech in New Orleans last week was genuine, well delivered and about as emphathetic as the guy gets. He exclaimed that he will spend whatever it takes to rebuild New Orleans and the Gulf Coast.

Bush is going to "confront poverty" but fails to explain how. It is of course too soon to explain in detail all the options, the "empowerment zones" and funding for retraining all sounds potentially reasonable, but in the same breath he exclaims that he won't raise taxes. The deficit is in the process of exploding but the consequences won't matter until way after Bush is out of office.

Oh well my kids need more bills.

Bush's Pals in New Orleans

2005-09-12T19:43:00.000-04:00

Got a disaster? Want to rebuild a city? Whether it's bombs or hurricanes...you can count on Halliburton to get those contracts.

"On Friday [ ed. Sept. 9], Kellogg Brown & Root received $29.8 million in Pentagon contracts to begin rebuilding Navy bases in Louisiana and Mississippi. Norcross said the work was covered under a contract that the company negotiated before Allbaugh was hired."

Note to former FEMA Director Brown: you're old buddy Joe Allbaugh (former Bush campaign manager) has a load a new companies to advise...come on down!

News services continue to report that New Orleans has a fetid smell. Hmmmmmm

Don't Blame Brownie

2005-09-10T21:53:00.000-04:00

OK great, Michael Brown head of FEMA, gets reassigned and is pulled back to Washington DC so he can oversee future disasters. Ya gotta love this administration. Only a week ago Bush exclaimed, "Brownie, your doing a heck of a job."

I don't blame this former lawyer at the Arabian Horse Association for the problems responding to Katrina. He was a political supporter and was given the job as political payback. Clearly Dubya and crew viewed FEMA as just another bloated bureaucracy. It's justo one of those myriad four letter agencies that could just as well be farmed out to contractors. So why not appoint a good ole' buddy to head the agency.

Shouldn't be a problem right?

Intelligent Spaghetti Monster Visits Kansas

2005-09-09T21:22:00.000-04:00

According to Bobby Henderson, of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), the Kansas School Board is finally giving some respect and serious consideration to the FSM. Clearly rational minds are starting to take hold.

It is important to note that, according to my own extensive research, prior to the formation of the FSM the primordial dough was formed, quite surprisingly, by a large pasta explosion - the so called big-pasta-banger. The indisputable evidence for this portion of the FSM is founded by the large quantities of flour that can be seen in virtually every corner of my house.

http://www.venganza.org/store.htm
Pass the sauce and Praise the FSM!

Dicky in Wonderland

2005-09-08T21:55:00.000-04:00

"I think the performance, in general, at least in terms of the information I've received from locals, is definitely very impressive." said Dick Cheney on his tour of Gulfport. Meanwhile evacuees in Houston waited for hours for the mythical FEMA $2000 debit cards which NEVER appears. Instead the lucky ones were given Red Cross debit cards worth much less. In addition hundreds of trailers that could provide temporary housing were still sitting in Georgia in a big parking lot, waiting for one or another FEMA officials to get their heads out of their butts. Speaking of FEMA they are also, as of yet, incapable of telling a German company that wants to provide critical communications equipment, that they can just fly it on over.

And finally a medical team in Kentucky, "...about 600 other Kentucky doctors, nurses and other medical professionals have notified the Kentucky Department for Public Health that they will volunteer in the relief effort, said state epidemiologist Dr. Kraig Humbaugh. However, FEMA has not notified the state whether any of those people will be needed."

Gee I'm impressed

Wolf Blitzer, News for People with ADD

2005-09-06T18:24:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Wolf Blitzer's "The Situation Room". About a month or so ago Wolf Blitzer on CNN started a "raw news" show that purports to give you the news as it's happening. The set is just amazing array of TV split screens. We see Wolf standing infront of a display wall, actually two of them. On one the wall is split into 8 sets of displays. Often one of those 8 is itself split into four. We see, in one view 1) Wolf interviewing somone on on display, 2) a scene of a helicopter dropping water onto a fire, 3) an overhead view of hurracaine destruction, 4) the burial of a supreme court justice, 5) a second view of hurracaine destruction, 6) a third view of hurracaine destruction, 7) long view of broken bridges, 8) a map with a pulsating point of interest. Are you dizzy yet! Just try wathing this stuff.

On top of all this maniacle visuals, Wolf often interviews somone who controls a Google Earth zooming view of some area and this guy love to zoom in and out and tilt the view. I'm getting motion sick watching this stuff!

Pollution Rules

2005-08-31T18:52:00.000-04:00

According to an August 30, Washington Post article, the Bush Administration has drafted new regulation that would permit power plants to emit more pollution, of course under the guise of emitting less and improving the environment. Are these guys brilliant or what!

This is a classic move by the Dubya crew, and now with the Katrina disaster it will clearly not get any media coverage.

According to the article: "Under the new standard, a modernized plant's total emissions could rise if the upgrade allowed it to operate longer hours. In court filings, the EPA estimated in 2002 that an hourly standard would allow eight plants in five states -- including Maryland, Virginia and West Virginia -- to generate legally as much as 100,000 tons a year of pollutants that would be illegal under the existing New Source Review rule. That equals about a third of their total emissions."

It's just brilliant, change the language of an obscure regulation and you get your corporate donors, all out of major public view.

Remember When Gas was $3

2005-08-29T21:09:00.000-04:00

Here it is the summer of 2025 and I remember way back in 2005, when that storm Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast in August. It was a month of so after the oil companies reported record profits and the Iraq ("you're either with us or against us") war was still piling up bodies. Just before that storm gasoline was licking at the $2.75 mark but afterwards it shot up a good quarter. That was the last time I ever saw gas below 3 bucks. Of course now with gas holding steady at the $7.50 mark it just seems quaint!

Intellagint Desine

2005-08-22T20:55:00.000-04:00

Dir Prezadent Bush,

I wuz so viry happy to here that you think intellagint desine shuld be tot in scool. I do not undirstand why peeple are
so confuzed. Everybuddy nows that Gawd creatid everythin' , I saw it in a muvee with that Rifel guy, Charly Hestin, and
piktures dont ly.

I also wint to the zoo the othir day and tried to talk to the monkeeys. They did not talk back at all but did spend
a lot of time picking each other's butts, so we can not be related to thim.

A Fan

PS I thawt you wuld like the pikture I found...some bad peeple say u look like a munkey...butt I dont think so

Diapers and Terrorists - Oh My!

2005-08-18T19:27:00.000-04:00

A couple of news items grabbed my attention this week and just warmed my heart. First, those alert Germans sprung into action and had a bomb alert when an "electronic nappy" (diaper) set off an alarm. Apparently this gadget is supposed to beep when the little fellow let's loose in the nappy. According to the article this nappy ticked instead of beeped and the squad cars went into action.

From the "I'm tryin' to think but nothing is happenin' department" babies have been flagged by the terror watch list. Apparently their names were the same or similar to names on the "no fly list".

Just imagine what would have happened if the "no fly list" infant was wearing an electronic nappy!

It's Just Incidental Radiation

2005-08-07T20:25:00.000-04:00

Ya gotta love Dubya's administration. That little $5.7 billion cleanup project in Hanford Washington, to clean up 30 years worth of radioactive waste seems to be going a little slower then expected. (Just as an aside I actually remember having a debate as a Senior in High School, like 30 years ago! (ahem) ...in which I clearly recall the Hanford site. ) anyway the idea is to place the radioactive sludge into a form of glass, to classify it, so that over that pesky 10,000 years during which the waste will remain toxic, won't leach into the ground.

The cleanup is going slow and is just a big problem. Sooooo the brilliant solution is to classify the stuff as "incidental radiation."
If it is classified that way they can just officially leave it where it is...are these genius' or what!

It's only $120 Billion Less

2005-08-07T15:08:00.000-04:00

Amidst all the noise of the "war on terror" and the brew-haha about Karl Rove, no one is paying any attention to the little
$120 billion reduction in penalties sought against the tobacco companies. In the multi-year litigation still going on between the Feds and the tobacco industry, at the last minute the Justice Department, aka the Bush Administration, decided to ask the courts for a penalty of $10 billion, not $130 billion as generally advised.

According to a CBS news story:
The government asked Kessler [the judge] to require the companies to fund a five-year, $10 billion program, a fraction of the 25-year, $130 billion program suggested by government witness Michael C. Fiore, a University of Wisconsin medical professor.

Democrats and other administration critics claimed that top Justice Department officials pressured the lawyers handling the case to back off the more expensive anti-smoking campaign.

What Me Worry...Insult!

2005-07-11T18:57:00.000-04:00

So the GOP is berating Hillary Clinton for comparing Pres. Bush to Alfred E. Neuman and his "What me worry?" attitude. They are 100% correct! It is an insult to compare the current president to that great icon of Mad magazine one of the crowning achievments of 20th century journalism.

Ms. Clinton please what did Alfred do to deserve this insult?

Erectile Dysfunction Association

2005-05-25T19:47:00.000-04:00

Notice a trend these days? It started with Viagra, went to Cialis and Levitra, what is it with all these drugs for erectile dysfunction. Rather then inundate American TV with saturation coverage I'd like to suggest that the pharmaceutical industry, at least in the USA, join forces to create the Happy American eRectile Dysfunction Omnibus Nation (HARDON).
HARDON will commit to airing equal treatment of these three drugs at opportune times, Football games, pro Wrestling and the like and alleviate the rest of us having to endure "...while rare, persons with erections lasting more then four hours should seek immediate medical treatment".

Stem Cell Confusion

2005-05-24T20:40:00.000-04:00

I'm confused. The US Congress is about to pass a law stating that embryonic stem cell research should be funded. Tom Delay get's up and claims that no taxpayer money should be used to "dismember" these embryonic humans. Of course he forgets the fact that there are no "members" to dis. The confusing part to me is there are approximately 400,000 frozen embryos sitting in cryogenic tanks. Most of these are the byproducts of fertilization efforts. Many couples don't know what to do with these embryos so they just sit there. Many more simply tell the storage facilities to destroy the embryos. Explain to me why it's legal to destroy those embryos, but NOT to use them for research?

Let me repeat, it's legal to destroy unwanted embryos, it's illegal to donate them for research. Welcome to the Alice in Wonderland world of partisan politics.

Weather or Not

2005-05-19T21:23:00.000-04:00

Hey you know the weather service...The National Weather Service (NWS), an agency of the venerable US Government. They do a terrific job gathering data, forecasting the weather and making it available to the public. OK got that straight. Well golly gee they are doing such a wonderful job that it must be a problem right? Well thank goodness Pennsylvania Senator Rick Sanitarium oops Santorum has introduced a bill that will greatly limit the distribution of weather information.

Why you ask? Well that great American institution know as campaign donations has come to save the day as AccuWeather a private forecasting weather company, coincidentally based in Pennsylvania, think that the NWS is competing with them and making their little ole' job too difficult. Let's forget that the data gathered by oodles of sensors and satellites is ALL taxpayer funded. And let's forget that timely weather information is vital to saving lives in tornado alley and hurricane battered states. And let's forget that pilots are vitally dependent on accurate timely weather information. We've simply got to ensure that the future restrictions on data access are put into place to help the great state of Santorum.

Hey you want weather data, stick your head out a window!

If Star Wars Characters were Politicians

2005-05-11T22:02:00.000-04:00

Just imagine if the the Star Wars characters were politicians...who would they be?

Han Solo = Howard Dean; Han tends to scream a lot

Yoda = Senator Robert Byrd; No one pontificates like Senator Byrd

Queen Amadela = Paris Hilton; Yep a total air head

Obi-Wan Kenobi = Ronald Reagan; Everybody likes the guy

Chewbacca - Zell Miller; Gets mad good

Luke Skywaker = John Edwards; Tilting at windmills

R2/D2 = John Kerry; More facts then we want to know

C3PO = Ross Perot; So polite and great with numbers

Princess Leia = Hillary Clinton; Way too ambitious

Darth Vader = Dick Cheney; No explanation necessary

Hello Mom...Iraq?

2005-05-06T20:21:00.000-04:00

Hey Mom...how's Iraq? Yeah I miss.....bzzzzzz....excuse me hang up that telephone. Hell no! It's my mom from Iraq!

In another example of the genius of "no tolerance" rules, the bright bulbs at Spencer High School, in Columbus Georgia suspend
a student for taking a call from his mother in Iraq.
Suspended

But wait! A couple of days later, after public outcry, the school suddenly backtracks and reduces the suspension to "time served"
Back at school
I love school bureaucracies.

Laura "Leno" Bush

2005-05-02T19:59:00.000-04:00

Just in case you missed the big news, this past weekend Laura Bush "roasted" her hubby George. Mrs. Bush delivered a series of zingers at the annual White House Correspondents dinner, an attempt to bring the media closer to the White House, not a bad idea actually. No question about it, she was a riot (good writers) and her delivery was superb. Now just imagine if some of the jokes had been along the following vein:

After George's 9PM bed time the twins and I really party, the Secret Service get's the best weed.

We just love piping Howard Stern into the FCC meetings.

At the last meeting of the RNC we snuck copies of "Fahrenheit 9/11" into the gift bags, it was Cheney's idea, he's such a stinker.

The last time we had a family gathering at Camp David, my mother in-law was there and I kept on flushing the toilet while she was taking a shower...wow you should have heard those screams!

Ah well...maybe next time.

(Note that the title of this blog entry is an actualy quote of George)

Computer Rage...Damn Technology

2005-04-30T22:38:00.000-04:00

Came across an interesting article in the Washington Post the other day titled, Repair Teams Try to Calm Computer Rage. It was very interesting and pointed out how people that used to be counselors are now manning help desks being empathetically and soothing to their customers. But it made me think of all those devices and programs that try to be "smart" and usually do the wrong thing. That is maddening!

We have this "smart" copy machine at work that detects the size of the piece of paper and picks the source bin for the paper. So if you are copying a large piece of paper it uses the large size paper, like legal size as opposed to the usual letter size. I needed to copy some small pieces of paper, receipts I think, so I put one down, moved it over to the side but still on the glass, and voila I had LARGE pieces of paper coming out....Annoying. I'm happy to just pick the source bin myself since that's a simple process. I don't need this kind of "intelligence".

Microsoft Word manages to do oodles of "smart" things that are wrong sooooooo much. Ever try to type a word at the beginning of a line and have Word magically "decide" to capitalize it...even when you didn't want it capitalized? OR ever try to get numbering to work correctly. Hit the return and it goes back to 1 when you want it to continue or visa versa. Of course these things can all be fixed but there are a maddening number of menus to go through.

Then there is of course the famous user interface conundrum for Windows that forces you to click on the START button to get to the dialog to shut it down!

The Mac is not immune to such nonsense (although it is now fixed) for years you had to drag a floppy to the trash can to eject, NOT to erase...oy!

Of course we'd all like a DWIM (Do What I Mean) mode but that seems to be a few years off.

In the rare case of an erection lasting more then 4 hours...

2005-04-27T19:11:00.000-04:00

We have a bad habit in my house of turning on the TV while eating dinner. There's nothing like watching the news and chowing down at the same time. All of us just perk right up when we watch the onslaught of "erectile dysfunction" products on the tube. You would think that not a single male in America could get it up given the quantity of ads spewing out of the screen. They are however, most entertaining.

I thought I was watching a Saturday Night Live skit when I first saw the ad for one of these gems showing a whole neighborhood of men jumping up and down to the tune of Queens, "We Are the Champions". Clearly the ad agency was on other drugs when they came up with that one. Of course the highlight for most of these ads is listening to the fast talker at the end of the ad stating all the obligatory contraindications. Wouldn't you like to be a fly on
the wall of that emergency room when all the 4 hour erection males show up!

Energy, Ethics and Nukes oh My!

2005-04-27T19:04:00.000-04:00

President Bush came forward today with a number of brilliant suggestions to solve the energy crisis. Build refineries on closed military bases, not a bad idea except refineries don't make money so oil companies don't want to build them. Tax breaks for clear diesel cars, that's a genuinely good idea, really! Give the energy industry guarantees to avoid all those pesky regulations when building a nuclear power point. Never mind that the American public is terrified of the plants, ever hear of Three Mile Island; and all that nasty nuclear waste still has no place to go for oh, 1,000 years until it decays. All of those suggestions won't help for years, if ever. It would be silly to ask for increasing the CAFE (car gas fuel requirements) standards wouldn't it, that would only reduce demand. Pardon me silly thought.

Speaking of nuclear waste and Nukes, the nuclear option, removing the ability to filibuster on judicial nominations, remains on the table at the Senate. Of course a recent ABC poll illustrated that 60% of the public is against this radical rule change, so let's hope the rules get changed! Nothing like a good enemy to unite the opposition.

Speaking of enemies, poor Tom DeLay, is having a bad ethical day. Dennis Hastert, speaker of the House, ate some crow today and is changing the ethics rules back to where they were. Now a split House ethics committee vote will start an investigation. Good thing DeLay's PAC is a significant contributor to the chair of that committee.

I'm getting flush with all the exciting stuff going on!

Data? We don't need no stinkin' data!

2005-04-27T18:34:00.000-04:00

Yes folks it time once again for this years edition of the US State Department's annual terrorism report, "Patterns of Global Terrorism 2004". Last years report had to be withdrawn and a "corrected" version was issued to get rid
of all the undercount problem. You know sort of reverse exaggeration. Rather then deal with the embarrassment of an incorrect report, this year, the problem was neatly solved by simply withholding the data. Just because the press is reporting that the numbers show that attacks are way up is no reason to present the public with actual, dare I say it, data.

Way to go Condi!

Florida and the NRA, they Deserve Each Other

2005-04-26T20:26:00.000-04:00

Just when you thought that wacky Florida legislature was resting from their numerous attempts to "save the life" of Terry Schiavo because all life is precious, the "force with force" bill allowing the use of deadly force was passed. Thanks to the lobbying efforts of the National "pry that gun from my cold dead hands" Rifle Association, Jeb (Dubya's bro) Bush signed a law allowing the use of deadly force to defend oneself on the street. This means that if you piss off someone in Florida, they can just shoot to kill, claim they were in fear of their life and they are off the hook. Wham bam thank you maam! Personally I'm looking forward to the day the NRA holds a convention in Florida and serves a lot of booze.

I love the smell of a nuclear Senate in the spring

2005-04-26T18:26:00.000-04:00

Ahhh the cherry blossoms have bloomed, the trees are green again, Terry Schiavo has gone to meet her maker and Senator Frist is about to detonate a nuclear bomb on the floor of the Senate. Ain't springtime in Washington grand? When last we left our beaten and bereaved troop of Democratic candidates, their heads were clearly tucked between their legs. Then all of a sudden, just one persistent vegetative state, and a private account away and poof, those Dems almost seem to have their proverbial act together!

Now the honorable Senator Frist, or should I say Dr. Frist who was playing to the right via an HIV incident described as:
"ABC?s George Stephanopolous, questioning Frist about the inaccuracies in many abstinence-only sex education curricula that were brought to light this week by California Democratic Rep. Henry Waxman, asked whether ?tears and sweat can transmit HIV.? Frist first said, ?I don?t know,? then later said, ?You can get the virus in tears and sweat. But in terms of the degree of infecting somebody, it would be very hard.? is again playing hard right with the judiciary.

So 200 years of good Senatorial practice isn't good enough for Dubya and his lackeys. That truly quaint old rule, the filibuster, which allows any individual Senator to block virtually all legislation is under attack! Nevermind that the Republicans blocked twice as many judicial appointments during the Clinton years as the Dems are now doing for Bush. Nevermind that the Constitution has that pesky line about the Senate to "Advise and Consent" judicial nominations. It would be great for the "right-to-stay-in-a-persistent-vegetative-state" association or the "my-religion-is-right-and-yours-is-wrong" movement to simply buy off a few extra votes and get some real laws put into place.

Nuke em! Nuke em all! Let's see whose left standing in a year or two.

Visualizing Faith-based Missile Defense

2002-12-17T14:30:00.000-05:00

Visualizing Faith-based Missile Defense

Dateline: August 1, 2001 (originally on 3dgraphics.about.com)

President Bush's latest efforts to bring us a safer and more secure world meshes perfectly with his various "faith-based" initiatives. Virtually every respected scientific analyses of the proposed Missile Defense Initiative conclude that the system doesn't work. (For example the Union of Concerned Scientists) It seems that if we "believe" if we have "faith" that the systems will work, it will! Let's call the new system the Faith-based Initiative on Ballistic Systems (FIBS).

We Believe! We Believe! Physics is so annoying when it get's in the way, isn't it? Now that we know the only way to get those missiles to hit those incoming warheads, let's think about how to operationalize the system. One problem of course, since we can't mix religion and government is to figure out a way to have faith in the missiles and provide some actual guidance to correct silly things like velocity, azimuth and trajectories of the projectile.

One might be concerned about the issues, noted NY Times columnist Thomas Friedman writes that "We will deploy weapons that don't work against an enemy that doesn't exist, and we will withdraw forces that do work against an enemy that does exist."

Fear not, another fine Administration official is pointing the way. John Ashcroft, our beloved Attorney General, holds morning prayer meetings in his office. Yes, the meetings are in his official government office but it's apparently OK, and the meetings are non-denominational in nature. Egads! we can control the missiles in a similar way! Deep inside the Pentagon, at Central-FIBS-Control, also known as Faith-central, command and control can be reorganized into a new faithful triad of Jews, Christians and Muslims. Each denomination controls a separate dimension X, Y, and Z coordinates with a few Buddhists to determine the orientation of the projectile. This equal and non-denominational nature of control, makes the entire system completely constitutional!

The visualization system is equally efficient and equitable. Naturally a 3D globe of the earth will be used. Surrounding the earth, as large floating icons, will be a Star of David, a Cross, and a Crescent Moon for faithful dimensional control. Floating around will be a small Buddha indicating the current faith-based-orientation of the primary attack.

The defense system can be launched and controlled with special FIBS-control-prayers. A launch sequence might go something like: "Baruch attah adonoi, ignition", "Bless us father and jettison the first stage fuel cells", "Allah is the Greatest, deploy the decoy dectectors". Each of these faith-based-control-prayers can be recited in sequence or, God forbid, in an emergency, in parallel (of course depending on the size of the attack).

One can only imagine the spirited discussions that would take place in Central-FIBS-Control. The FIBS initiative meshes fabulously with the next "good news" initiative being considered by the Bush Administration. According to the Washington Post:

Bush is considering proposals to help provide e-mail services to link grandparents and grandchildren, add citizenship to the curriculum in schools, increase community use of the Internet, encourage news organizations to "increase reporting of good news," ...

Why of course, the 100 billion dollars needed for the FIBS system is good news and all the grandparents will get their email notification!

A Day in the Life of the Department of Homeland Security

2002-08-26T19:35:00.000-04:00

07:00 AM
Secretary Tom Ridge pulls up to the office, sweating after a morning run with POTUS (Secret Service talk for the President Of The United States).
07:30 AM
FBI Director Robert Muller arrives hand in hand with CIA Director George Tenet emphasizing to the troops how well they are communicating. They've bonded recently as they both enjoy playing practical jokes. Ridge who is currently showering to get ready for a busy day is secretly being taped by a array of new surveillance technologies being broadcast internally. The pranksters are known affectionately as Bobby and Georgy.
08:00 AM
Still unaware of the morning broadcast Secretary Ridge convenes the Supreme Policy Yanks (SPYs) to review the previous day's data gathering. The staff is gathered around a large conference table each with their own large flat panel display computer just purchased (they have WAY more money then they know how to spend) and obviously the "War on Terrorism" requires the finest technology. The Deputy Secretary interrupts an intense game of solitaire as the Directors and Secretary Ridge walk in. Bobby gives Georgy the signal and a small 2 inch square video of the Secretary's shower is displayed on everyones (except Ridge's) display screen. ... The entire staff perks up.
08:30 AM
"Alright I want some frank opinions on three of our new initiatives, the 'Citizen Corps', establishment of the 'Under Secretary for Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear Countermeasures', and relocation of the 'Plum Island Animal Disease Center'," stated Ridge.

"First of all who came up with that totally dumb ass Under Secretary for blah blah blah blah name??" asked Bobby. Ridge shoots Bobby a cold stare and exclaims, "This is serious, now get on the dime!"

"Ahem....ahem," noised Georgy. "What do you want?" Ridge asked.

"Well we can't really make any substantial decisions today because we need Dick's input."
Listen Ridge said, "Cheney's socked away at Cheyenne Mountain, shhhhh that's secret by the way, and he's scarfing down Martini's. We can get him anytime we need on the telecon."
09:00 AM
"Let's get things moving I have a meeting over at the George Bush Center for Intelligence in about an hour," Ridge declared. Bobby leans over to Georgy and whispers, "is that the most ridiculous name you've ever heard for a building or what?"

"OK first things first, we need a slogan and mission statement, you know the vision thing. Look at the other agencies the NSA has 'Providing and Protecting Vital Information Through Cryptology' the CIA has
'To be the keystone of a US Intelligence Community that is pre-eminent in the world, known for both the high quality of our work and the excellence of our people.' The FBI's mission statement is 'The mission of the FBI is to uphold the law through the investigation of violations of federal criminal law; to protect the United States from foreign intelligence and terrorist activities; to provide leadership and law enforcement assistance to federal, state, local, and international agencies; and to perform these responsibilities in a manner that is responsive to the needs of the public and is faithful to the Constitution of the United States.'"

Ridge takes a deep breath and continues,
"Well obviously the FBI is way too long winded, but we all knew that of course. The CIA is going to have to change their mission cause WE are going to be the center of the universe when it comes to the intelligence community. The NSA is just a bunch of geeks with all that cryptography stuff anyway, people can't get inspired or relate to that anyway. So anyone got any ideas?"

"How's about 'We're watching everyone, so you don't have to." piped up Georgy. "Hey that has a nice ring to it, let's run with it for now." said Ridge.
10:00 AM
"George, you're coming with me to the Bush Center, you DO have the best office there." said Ridge. "Do we get to go in a motocade? They are sooooo much fun," George said excitedly. "Yeah yeah" grunted Ridge.

Ridge and Tenet climbed into the limo and the sirens started up as they sped to Virginia and the Bush Center. "Hey driver can you circle around the Old Post Office building? It's so cool to block up a few city blocks and look at all the gasping faces," said George. "Hey George, yanno if we open the windows and stick our heads out I bet the new hi-res security cameras could get a good pic of us. Is that cool or what!"
10:30 AM
Directors Ridge and Tenet arrive at the Bush Center, greeted by the usual moss. "Moss" is the term used by beauracrats to refer to the underlings that stick to those in power.
11:30AM
Ridge yells, "OK gang you know that Bush 43 wants us to work out everyday. Let's hit the gym!"
Georgy, Bobby and Tom change back into their sweats for the mid-day workout. Georgy and Bobby glance and give each other a wink as it's time for their next prank.

Several days ago George and Bobby planned that the next time they were all together in the gym they would play with the new infrared cameras. Infrared cameras if adjusted just right can actually see through clothes!
12:30PM
After the workout they had all worked up a good appetite.
1:00 PM
"Those Martini's really got me going," said Tom. "I've got a great idea, I've been mulling around for a few days."
"Do tell," piped up Bobby.
"Well let's get the public involved in the fight. Let's get the mailmen and cable installers across the country to keep an eye and report on suspicious characters! It'd be like a new free volunteer army! I just get so excited thinking about the possibilities!"
"Totally awsome!" exclaimed Georgy. "All these people could call in tips."
"That's it, we'll call it Operation TIPS! Good thinking George."
2:00 PM
Bobby discretely turns to Georgy and whispers, "Can you imagine the stunts we can pull with TIPS!"

Georgy almost explodes at the excitement. "Hey doesn't Tommy have that old ex-girl friend, Jillian? Wouldn't it be fun to ressurect their relationship with a little TIP."
"I bet Tommy's wife would go nuts!" Bobby yelped.

"Ahh so many jokes, so little time. There's nothing like a new federal program to get those funny bones going."
3:00 PM
"Alright gang, I have an early dinner home for a change, so let's finish the alert color scheme scenarios," ordered Tom

"I thought the colors were all set?" queried Director Tenet.

"We've had a big problem with the public relations of it all. A new poll says that most people are just confused. Right now we have five levels of threat, low, guarded, elevated, high and severe. The corresponding colors are green, blue, yellow, orange and red. I think it's damn clear. Stupid public opinion." lectured Tom.

"Well we've never changed the threat level, so maybe it doesn't matter," said George.

"Hmmm...that is a good point. I doubt we'll ever change the damn thing unless we get attacked, then we'll just say RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, and it won't matter anyway."

George replyed, "thar ya go, problem solved".

"OK George you get a gold star for the day. I'm outta here. Boys I want you to jog another five miles, the Bushmeister is killing us with his running and we can't let him hog all the fitness glory. See you tomorrow, bight and early, we've got to get the TIPS program up and running quickly."

Bobby remarked, "G'nite Tom, and hey I just got a note from your old friend Jillian, she didn't sound happy."

"Very strange?" wondered Tommy

Reagan, Bush and Visualizing Star Wars

2001-05-30T22:32:00.000-04:00

According to a recent Washington Post article "Even with President Bush's political support, significant leaps in technology are needed to make his vision of missile defense more than what its critics call 'a shield of dreams.'" It is completely baffling why critics don't like the idea of spending upwards of 100 billion (with a B) dollars on a system that won't work, to scare off a few major countries that might launch missiles that have an obvious return addresses. This is an incredible opportunity which we must seize!

By now you are of course wondering what Ronald Reagan has to do with the story. Well he came up with this brilliant idea to address the "evil empire". Furthermore even though he's not dead, Congress and other independent organizations are naming ships, buildings, and airports after the beloved 40th president. Planning for the Reagan Memorial on the Mall is already underway. (Yes it's true memorials are usually planned after death.)

Clearly all of these memorial and honored places have one problem, they are all earthbound. Why limit the Reagan name to earthbound places? Why not save a few bucks on an earthly memorial and rename the forthcoming National Missile Defense system the Ronald Reagan Death Star. Technically of course the particle beam system is known as the Global Intercontinental Pulsed Particle Elimination Reactor or GIPPER. Why bother with an earthbound monument when we can wake up in the morning with the knowledge that the GIPPER is up there circling the earth ready to zap those pesky projectiles.

Now let's get to the all important 3D portion of the project. George W. Bush, not known for being a rocket scientist clearly needs some good visual aids when it comes to the GIPPER in the sky. What a perfect application for 3D! One of the great strengths of 3D is to simplify complex information along with command and control systems. In order to help the President get a better feel for the global systems we can represent the whole global endeavour using a baseball. The sattelites circling the globe can be place into orbits that follow the seams of a typical baseball. Control of the system can be performed in a similar way that pitchers control a baseball. Placing the fingers in certain positions when throwing the ball causes different actions, the sinker, the curveball and the slider for example. When the US is attacked by an enemy our President can simply tell the
Joint Chiefs to execute a slider or curve ball response. User interfaces can't get any better!

Let's get serious folks, the development and deployment of the GIPPER will be a broad based economic boon to those ailing defense contractors. Clearly the GIPPER won't work, at least in our lifetime, and the economic expenditure on failed tests, harebrained schemes, and exaggerated needs is desperately needed in order to prevent the much maligned "peace dividend" from taking hold. Please urge Dubya to get the GIPPER going!

Timothy McVeigh and the Big 3D Opportunity

2001-05-09T19:38:00.000-04:00

On May 16, 2001 Timothy McVeigh the convicted bomber of the Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City will be executed. (FLASH! update: due to the incredibaly competent work of the Federal Bureau of Investigation the execution has been postponed at least one month!...can you stand the excitement.) Is this an opportunity to promote 3D or what! There has been a great deal of public debate on the merits and morality of broadcasting the execution. Attorney General Ashcroft has ruled that family of the victims will be allowed to watch a closed circuit broadcast of the execution. In addition there will be the ten or so actual live (so to speak) witnesses. If we in America insist on continuing the practice of capital punishment why not broadcast it and let everyone watch. Imagine the possibilities for execution parties and other festive activities timed perfectly with the execution. But let's get serious for the potential for commerce. Yes of course I'm talking about product placements and the use of virtual signage.

First let's look at product placement. The Federal government (remember this is a federal execution) can offer sponsorships of the execution. I would expect a profit split with the state of Oklahoma because they are of course providing the skilled labor. Advertising opportunities via product placement are clearly an opportunity not to be missed. We have the execution room, the body and the equipment all ready canvases for artistic advertisers. The sheet placed on top of the body is prime for a logo. The bottles of poison can each offer different pharmaceutical tag lines. Finally the toe tag, after death is pronounced, offers the enthusiastic sponsor an obvious area for the fashion industry.

Product placement can of course only go so far. We live in the age of virtual reality with virtual signs structures and bodies. Let's enhance the execution itself with virtual signage much like Monday Night Football is enhanced with those yellow virtual first down lines that magically appear on the field. At the time of execution what happens for a lethal injection is pretty much invisible. We need to enhance the execution experience for the viewing public, and virtual additions would clearly be the tasteful and profitable way to go. Machines pump the poison into McVeigh's body but we can't really see all that much. With a virtual poison overlay we can literally watch the poison enter body. It could be colored green or some other tastefully deadly color. Next the viewer can get into the whole process by traveling down the path of the poison by following the injection down through a virtual McVeigh. Sponsors can overlay their logos and ad jingles right in with the poison liquid. We could travel inside the bottle through the tubes and into McVeigh's arm.

Given the expanding array of 3D on the Web potential we can look forward to customized 3D browser plug-ins. I would expect to see new user interface controls to let the viewer customize the execution experience by dialing in changes to the execution methods. One evening users might be more inclined to view a death by electric chair rather then the ho hum lethal injection. Given that different states have different execution methods this might be controlled simply by location. While one particular prisoner may in fact be executed by lethal injection, and viewers want to see the execution by another method, say hanging, the virtual execution can be easily simulated by imposing the actual prisoner's face with a high degree of realism. A truth in advertising notification that the actual method of execution was different than that selected should alleviate any concerns about the reality of the experience. Customized Web experiences are a well known and accepted method used to enhance both the end users interaction and advertisers products.

Isn't technology great! We can also be sure of one thing, there won't be any shortage of opportunities to test these new techniques.

Virtual Reality Implant and President Bush

2001-04-01T20:40:00.000-04:00

In a technological tour-de-force, the White House today unveiled a secret Virtual Reality Implant project. Developed in a black-ops project jointly with the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the University of Washington's HIT Lab, and Microsoft. For years one of the holy grails of virtual reality researchers has been the seamless fusion of sensory input with user interface control technology. The President is now able to see top-secret information beamed directly into his eye.

The display system is a modification of the Human Interface Technology (HIT) lab at the University of Washington's VRD (virtual retinal display). Many people in the VR research community have been following the development of the VRD for years. Recently great progress has been show using a laser to literally paint images with light onto the retina of the viewer. The new VRD is packaged as a device that clips on to a pair of glasses giving the user a high resolution computer generated image that appears to float in space in front of the user.

Unknown to the public however was a secret collaboration between the HIT Lab, Microsoft, and DARPA to use this image generation capability, not simply to paint images on to the retina but to directly stimulate the optic nerve. After years of secret trials it was decided to perform this delicate surgery on President George W. Bush. President Bush's head now contains a bluetooth receiver upon which National Security Staff can send message directly to his optic nerve. This surreptitious surgery was conducted during the recent flurry of news coverage of Vice President Dick Cheney's recent heart surgery. It has been learned that the many heart attacks and medical situations for the Vice President has actually been an elaborate coverup to allow President Bush to undergo extensive testing and ultimately reception of the implant.

Microsoft's involvement has been a closely guarded secret as well. The recently much hyped X-box game console has also been used to disguise development of super-computer capable graphics generation chips. President Bush's eye now contains a proprietary version of what industry insiders have call MS-DUBBYA. In addition to the display capabilities the Chief Executive needs a way to seamlessly control the display system and communicate, secretly, with staff. This has been accomplished with a simple addition of a blink controller and eyeball rotation sensor. For example when you see President Bush rapidly blinking and rolling his eyes he is probably actually sending an important message to his staff.

President Bush's occasional syntactic slips are an unforseen side-effect of the implant. A recent book ""George Bushisms: The Slate Book of The Accidental Wit and Wisdom of our 43rd President." chronicles this malady.